I knew I had to begin to pray that God would open the eyes of my understanding that I would know the hope to which He called me to like Ephesians 1:18 says. Slowly my eyes began to open and I began to believe I would be healed.

I thought when I answered the call to ministry that my life would be filled with loving people who would be overwhelmed with love aimed right back at me. Boy, was I wrong! As a pastor’s wife, I quickly came to know that is not always how it goes. Years passed and life happened like it does for us all. I found myself constantly consumed with thoughts of intense need to escape and “get away” from it all. It was a slow fade but before long my thought processes moved from there to actually wishing I was dead. I literally began to think things were just too complicated to overcome and finally bought into the lie that the devil loves to feed many of us that maybe people would be better off without me. 

 I was focusing on all the wrong things in my life obviously…the stresses of life, challenges in ministry, broken relationships, disappointments, betrayal instead of being thankful for my amazing family, my health, supportive friends, my wonderful church…you get it! This left me hopeless. We all fall into wrong thinking patterns and may not even realize how far we let those negative thoughts take us before we look up and realize we have fallen into depression. I struggled to get out of bed every day. I knew I had to dig deeper into the things of God that are lovely, pure, and of good report and also as we think in our hearts, so are we. This was nearly impossible for me. I’m sure many can understand.

God is so faithful. I was able to find some time alone and unload my heart’s pain to Him. It was absolutely imperative that I got in the presence of God, surrendered my heart and asked Him to heal me. It started like this: “God, what is the point for me to do ministry? So that what? I can help everyone be as miserable as I am? I just want to be happy.” God answered and said, “I want you to be happy.” My reply, “No you don’t! You just want me to have joy, whatever that is!” So I did what anyone would do. I googled the word “happy” and when I did, I found a definition that defined happy as enjoying, showing, or being marked by pleasure, satisfaction, or joy. 

God answered me through His own words as I read the scriptures. It was like the words “enjoying joy” popped off the screen and immediately two scriptures came to mind. Psalms 16:11 “In His presence there is fullness of joy.” and 1 Timothy 6:17 “God gives us all things richly to enjoy.” In that moment I got permission from God to be happy!! This was the answer from God that started my healing process. He gives us joy in His presence so we can enjoy it. That is the definition of happy - enjoying joy! So for the first time in my life I knew that God cares about my happiness and wants us to not just have joy but to enjoy it! God heard my cries from the bondage of depression and freed me through the hope I found in His Word. God healed my heart and my mind. As you can imagine, the process of healing from depression to happiness takes time which I share my personal journey through my first book, Happy ANYWAY. 

Some of my fave

Family Moments