Happy Monday, 

Are you a little less enmeshed than you were last Monday as a result of the Happy Monday Blog last week? Oh I hope so! If not, go back and read it or listen to it on repeat because you will need to understand what I’m talking about on today’s blog. I’ve never done this before but I’m doing a Three-Part Blog Series about enmeshment, detachment, and what we want to be… Differentiated.

Let’s talk about how we become enmeshed with our children whether young or old. Last week’s blog we talked more about what this looks like in a marriage because that was my first relationship that I focused on in becoming differentiated. Next for me, was with coworkers and people in our church, friends and family. Unfortunately, for my two adult boys, the last frontier of me being enmeshed has been with them. Sorry guys, if you ever see this. I’m growing more and more differentiated every day. It was completely unintentional and subconscious. I literally just looked up one day and thought oh my goodness these guys have a Mom who is enmeshed with them. Not that they really know but a huge part of my focus right now as they are reaching toward their futures with independence has become learning to be differentiated from them.

The reality is that if we don’t become differentiated as our kids get older, they will detach. Just as much as we don’t need to be enmeshed, the last thing adult children need to be is detached from their parents at a time that they are venturing out on their own and could gain so much from their parents wisdom, love, and quite frankly resources. But when a kid is just constantly pushing a parent away, it doesn’t really give the parent warm and fuzzies to want to help them as much as they maybe need it and as much as we could. We as parents don’t realize that our being enmeshed with them often is what’s causing them to push back so hard. What’s healthy in this relationship is differentiation.

What does that look like? It looks like an adult child being able to come to their parents for advice knowing that even if their parents don’t agree they will have their support. It looks like the parent giving advice pretty much only when it’s asked of them. I know….so hard but so much better this way. It looks like spending time in conversation about past situations (letting the adult child lead the dance of when and what they are ready to talk through) that may be healing if worked through together in a safe space so that you can move forward in more of a friendship relationship.

It looks like instead of two fists coming together to battle, when the child comes at you in conflict or is trying to go a direction that you know is not healthy for them instead of balling your fist up and hitting their knuckled fist balled up figuratively coming at you, which will hurt you both, try figuratively opening your hand and wrapping your hand around their fist with an ever so slight nudge. This won’t hurt either party and it just might make them want to come back to you sooner all while nudging them back in the direction you know is best. Why? Because they will feel your support as you wrap your hand softly around their fist figuratively and they begin to go away from your interactions feeling embraced.

I’m pretty sure I was not considered a helicopter mom which means I wasn’t super enmeshed with them as they were growing up. But I think without realizing it as they were getting older and becoming adults I guess it just became more and more apparent of the separation that lied ahead. Maybe I was just grappling with trying to hold on tighter than I realized and before I knew it I tangled myself up in them. Good news, though: The more I let go, the more they come to me on their own. The more I barge in uninvited, the less they want all my vast wisdom I have to offer. Kind of makes sense if you think about it. Who really wants someone barging in uninvited? This is such a challenging time as a parent but nothing is more empowering to our adult kids than us showing them how much we believe in them by letting go. It’s paramount that we remember this season is not about us but about them chasing their dreams and they’ve never needed us in their corner more. So I hope you will attempt to let go and become differentiated which will help you and them avoid detachment.

That’s why we hold on and get so enmeshed is fear of rejection and detachment but all the while it’s what drives us from one ditch to the other. Imagine driving a car and just constantly going from ditch to ditch even if they’re not very deep ditches by the time you get where you are going the car would be so beat up and what a bumpy ride. It’s so much nicer to keep it between the lines and far fewer casualties that way. A nice smooth road is right there to be enjoyed so stay out of the ditches of enmeshment and detachment. That’s what we want. A safe, fun journey with our kids for many years to come.

You can do this! I’ll be praying for you. 

Happy Monday, y’all! 

XO,

Adrienne 

P.S. I have just recently started happy coaching and if this season has thrown you for a loop and you think you could benefit from Happy coaching, join others who are saying things like, “This has been a game changer even in the first 24 hours!” Others who have said “Oh my goodness, I never knew that. That makes so much sense. This is really helping me.” And another who just keeps profusely thanking me for obeying God and doing this. When I tell you that I think I’m loving it as much as the ones being coached, I’m not kidding! I feel like I have found more specifically my calling than ever before. I am having the time of my life doing this so you don’t have to have mega problems or be depressed although this can definitely help if that is the case. But also if you just want to make a few tweaks in your life and just add a little more happy, I’d love to spread the happy in more areas of your life because you can never have too much happy, right?! I’m coaching some who’s very life has been on the line and others who just want to go from good to great.

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